When I can, I will.

I'm going through a lot currently. I'm anxious, frustrated, maybe a little let-down.. but I'm holding on. I've always been a simple being. I've taught myself to see little things in life as blessings. It's the tiny things that keep me going: The look in my friends' eyes when I tell them I love them, the inside jokes I have with my best friends, making soup with my mother, how beautiful I think the trees are when they lose their leaves. The way I've conditioned myself to be is a blessing and a curse. On one hand, I can keep myself relatively content that way because I never focus on the bigger picture. I'm all about control. I can control tiny things, see? It's inevitable that half of what I have will be gone at some point.. I know that. But why not enjoy it while it's here? I don't know what I want to do with my life. It's not like I put it off.. I think about it constanly. My best friend, Sean, leaves for the Marines in a week. He's my joy when he's around. I can tell him anything. When he's gone, I don't know what I'll do.. because, as much as I tell myself he'll be back, how can anyone be sure? I don't want to say goodbye to him forever.. it breaks my heart.
I'm worried about something in particular.. but I'm not sure if it's something to be worried about or not. I guess we'll see.

Anyway, on a side note, I love The Smashing Pumpkins. Very few bands can make me emotional anymore. I feel like a hollow shell until I hear beautiful music.

This song has been stuck in my head for the past year, no joke:


& Speaking of Matthew Good Band, "Everything is Automatic" is, lyrically, one of my favorite songs in the world.


Miss my head, miss my heart, miss my lungs
Be what you want to be
Watch what you want to see
Killed for fun
Down a hole, up a rope
Down some pills, up some hope
This karma machine only takes quarters
New age soldier, new age soldier

Everybody's all right
Everything is automatic
And everybody's all right
Everything is skin deep

Everybody's all right
And everything is automatic
Everybody's all right
And everything is skin deep, me

Say hey, say hey, say how ya doing
Say hey, say hey, say how ya doing

I miss my lazy boy
I miss my TV
I miss myself
Do you miss your lazy boy
Do you miss your TV
Do you miss yourself

Everybody's all right
Everything is automatic
Everybody's all right
Everything is skin deep

Everybody's all right
Everything is automatic
Everybody's' all right
Everything is skin deep, me

It's always what I wanted
It's always what I wanted
It's always what I

Killed for fun
It's fucking funny don't you think
One day you'll decompose
And you wake up and those
Those birds are singing
Those birds are singing

It's always what I wanted
It's always what I wanted
It's always what I
It's always what I

Everything is skin deep